vulnerability

“He who has overcome his fears will truly be free.”

I am afraid of everything: rejection, social interactions, crowds, being noticed in public, FAILING myself, letting others down, and not knowing who I am or what I’m supposed to do. Those are all pretty common fears, but where it gets a little silly is when it comes to my strong desire to be invisible, or rather, my strong fear of being too visible. I’m so afraid of bothering people that I will avoid any extra dialogue that will draw attention to me. I would much rather slip out of social gatherings unnoticed than to say thank you and goodbye to the host; it’s not because I’m not appreciative, I just feel that interrupting them to say goodbye is completely unnecessary–they don’t even care that I’m leaving, I think to myself. I know that to others that may sound completely ridiculous and even selfish. I guess that is partly true.

Those fears run my life, but they also make up who I am–a shy, calm, friendly, quite and thoughtful individual. I would of course be much better off without these fears, but to not have them doesn’t mean that I’d be the opposite of who I am now, just less afraid. I am who I am and I am quite and sometimes socially awkward depending on the circumstances. I am sure that it will always be that way, the only difference being that I will accept and maybe embrace who I am rather than being ashamed of it.

I hate talking about myself, I find it to be a horribly dull topic that’s rather unnecessary for people to know, but that’s just another thing I’m afraid of. No one may actually end up reading up to this point, and I am afraid of that too because it means that I was once again rejected. Even if this post is never read, it won’t change a thing because it’s not for anyone who will or will not read it. Don’t get me wrong, I would love people to read my thoughts and appreciate the things I have to say and accept me. I think that’s what everyone wants–acceptance.

So here’s to being vulnerable–though it’s long overdue.

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