young adult life crisis

Some people knew what they wanted to do since high school. They have it all figured out…all planned. I really thought I was one of those people. I mean, I’m a type A personality, planner, organizer and controller of all things possible, but I still find myself at a fork in the road. I can not believe I don’t know what to do with my life. It astounds me.

I only make things harder by constantly compare myself to anyone who has reached some sort of success whether by working hard for it or not. I even find that I am jealous of my husband’s multiple talents and wish he could share a bit of them with me (which he has graciously tried to do per my requests), but my self-doubt and insecurity has prevented me from following any of my dreams. I’m not sure what my dreams are now and I wonder if that would still be the case if I had the confidence, drive and motivation needed for success.

Well, here’s to admitting that I find myself at the place where I so readily judged other for being at. Thankfully, now I can truly sympathize with others in this circumstance. I will be able to relate to and understand my friends, parents and most importantly my kids. My previous framework would have made that impossible. I’m thankful for that and I have hope that I’ll figure it out eventually.

“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.”

 

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the not-so-dreaded adulthood

I have come to realize that I was in an existential crisis for most of my childhood, trapped by my circumstances and completely hopeless. I dreaded nighttime when the world got dark and my fears and worries became more severe. The majority of my life was spent in confusion and disappointment which quickly turned to anger. Being a child was difficult and I couldn’t imagine how much worse it would get as I got older.

The funny thing was—as I got older—the darkness slowly lifted. The new-found freedom I gained allowed me to experience life the way I truly wanted to. I was no longer trapped.

During high school I found Jesus.

And once I got to college, I was still trying to find myself. I dated along the way and came to the conclusion that I wasn’t meant to be happily married: God wanted me to have a different focus while on Earth and I was okay with that. As much as I always wanted that perfect fairy tale romance, it made more sense to just accept the fact that I didn’t deserve it or that it didn’t exist.

It wasn’t long after this realization I met my soul mate and best friend—he is now my husband.

I’m still awestruck by the way my life turned out.

Most people are filled with hope and wonder as children and watch it evaporate one harsh reality after the next. For me I realize things were completely different.

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